If you just arrived here on this page thinking this was going to be a post on how to come up with romantic surprises and gestures for your spouse or loved one on Valentine’s Day, I’m going to have to stop you right there. You couldn’t have found a more Valentine’s Day pessimist than this one here. Valentine’s Day Schmalentines day! We can’t avoid Valentine’s Day all together but we can make the best of it. Rock this absolutely horrible typical Hallmark day of the year and start doing Valentine’s day the unconventional way. This is your Valentines Day Survival Guide, the only guide to make this holiday somewhat bearable.
1. Wear black. No, no one is dying, except true love maybe. Whatever you do to celebrate this Hallmark holiday, don’t wear anything red or pink. There’s no need to let the rest of the world know it’s the day of love. If you really want to kick ass this year, why not wear a dark colour instead. Anything that says – I don’t want nothing to do with this holiday – but also – hey, how you doin’?
2. Mock it! Don’t be the predictable prissy who buys a box of chocolates with a note that says something cheesy like ‘I need a heart transplant because I think you stole mine‘ (puke). Don’t give into the corny trend and instead gift your loved one a card with a line that you know you truly mean. None of the fake crap. Something like this:
Never was there a more honest Valentine’s day card.
3. Watch a Bill Murray film. Do not – and I repeat – do not go watch Fifty Shades of Grey. Don’t do it because all of your girlfriends are. Don’t do it because you are curious what the fuss was all about. Maybe do it to see a shirtless Jamie Dornan. But that doesn’t justify sitting through hours and hours of terrible acting with terrible lines from the even more terrible book. Instead, watch a Bill Murray film. It’s always a great day to watch a Bill Murray film. Here’s a tip: St. Vincent!
4. Do your taxes. Hey, you need to file them sometime.
5. Avoid Valentine’s Day dinners. In the name of all things holy, do not book yourself a table at a restaurant. Chances are restaurants are swarmed with lovey-dovey couples. And all you’ll be served are tiny portions of what they call a Valentine’s Day menu. Forget about it. Instead, take your loved one to a place where real food is served. Where you know you won’t go hungry. Where the beer is flowing and the grub is savoury. Here’s a tip: the Burger Beer Battle! Oedipus Brewing and the Beef Chief present this meat and beer fest for the second time (get your tickets here) after a great succes last year. I mean, all you need is love. But a little bit of burger and bear here and there will also do right?
What are your plans for Valentine’s Day this year?